Conflict is inevitable.

No matter how hard we try to avoid it, we all become entangled by conflict in our personal and professional lives.

In the workplace, clashes with coworkers might erupt because of disagreement on strategy, interpersonal friction, mishandled responsibilities, etc.

Even with family and friends, conflicts will arise from time to time. It doesn’t matter how different or similar we think we are.

Typical reactions to conflict include ignoring it, complaining to others, and reacting without thinking. I’ve learned firsthand that none of these produce effective results.

Instead, we want to master the practice of feeling and finding CALM.

So, how can we do that when caught in the heated emotions of conflict?

First, we want to become aware that we’ve been provoked. Instead of lashing out reactively, we want to pause long enough to notice how we feel and have the willingness to experience it. If we ignore or suppress the feeling, it will intensify. What we resist persists.

In that moment of pause, we can turn our attention to our breath, and take a few soothing inhales and exhales. This will help re-establish a feeling of clarity.

We can acknowledge the feeling of hurt then recognize that we are the creators of our emotions and choose to respond with purpose versus reacting out of fear. Choosing to take responsibility puts us at the affect of our lives rather than at the effect of our circumstances.

With our breath, we have a moment to restore psychological calm. Instead of feeding into intense emotions and escalating the situation, we’re able to think, listen, and handle things with a level head.

Now we’re ready to take a CALM approach:

• Clarify the Issue: Most of us do not take the time to back off and analyze why the conflict occurred, and what we desire as a resolution. Before we address the other person, we need to ask ourselves a series of questions. What am I upset about? Have I contributed to the problem?  If I was the other person, how would I want to be approached and dealt with?
• Address the Problem: Find a safe space,  time, and place to have an open, two-way discussion with the other person involved.
• Listen to the Other Side: There’s a great principle created by the late Stephen Covey which can help us remain mindful in the face of conflict. It goes: seek first to understand then to be understood. Often our instinct is to defend ourselves and prove our point, but when we force our opinions, while others force theirs everyone feels unheard and conflict escalates.
• Manage Your Way to Resolution: This step involves gaining agreement about the nature of the conflict, as well as the steps to be taken by both parties to resolve it.

When we sincerely listen before weighing in, we extend respect to the other side. This helps dissolve heated emotions. We create an opportunity for dialogue, where everyone involved can calmly share how they feel, ask questions of each other, and find a resolution. Everyone wins when conflicts are resolved conflicts in a cooperative and respectful manner.

When we face conflict mindfully, periodic scrapes don’t descend into chronic wounds. So do your best to approach discord with mindful awareness. Mastering the practice of feeling and finding calm offers a chance for anger to soften, clarity to surface, and resolutions to emerge.

Have you seen The Social Dilemma? I just did. It’s a Netflix documentary that uncovers how social platforms manipulate our attention purely to maximize their own profit. Of course, as a digital marketer, I’ve known this for a while. But when it’s told from that perspective, it makes you think ?

In the wake of the pandemic and the racial reckoning that’s followed George Floyd’s murder, trust and relationships have been top of mind.

Trust & Relationships

Trust in social media platforms eroded significantly, particularly over the last year.

We’ve had cultural landmark moments and heard concerns about how social platforms are scaling harm with AI and Machine learning algorithms that don’t take into account diverse communities. We’ve had major boycotts of Facebook ads by some pretty large multinational brands, based on how the social network moderates content. The #DeleteFacebook Movement also continues to reappear from time to time in the wake of the latest data privacy scandal. And the list just goes on.

Many people ask if the backlash against social media has real weight behind it.

I genuinely don’t think social media is in the long-term decline.

Social networks revealed our global humanity when they first launched a little over a decade ago. And they still hold us by those relationship tentacles today. We are social creatures and when our physical connections were unexpectedly curtailed earlier this year, we turned to each other online. Even as things slowly turn to whatever the new normal will be, we’ll still be seeking each other out whether we’re close by or worlds apart.

Who Has Your Data?

We love to share with our friends and family. We want to connect, build community and create tribes around our passions and interests. We want to express ourselves.

A generation has grown up in this space. While people are concerned about danger on the digital front, it’s hard to go back. But as you use these platforms that have become so ubiquitous in our lives, it’s important to pause and ask yourself, who has your data? Every time we quickly accept the terms of service, we don’t realize just how much we’re giving away.

That’s why I go back to trust. I think if social platforms (and brands!) can build a relationship of trust with us we are more open to having our data being used, particularly if we believe it’s useful for us.

With more transparency and the ability to see how our data is tokenized, we can shape what we are comfortable with. We’ll need to have basic qualifications about who we’re sharing our data with. Ultimately that calls all companies to higher ethics and principles.

It’s time to forgive yourself for accepting less than you deserved.

For the ones who made you feel like you were not worthy of being loved the way you loved others.

It’s time to forgive yourself for the people you fought for that you should have fought off. It’s time to forgive yourself for not knowing how to set better boundaries upfront, for believing you could never love in halves.

It’s time.

Forgive yourself for the way in which you trusted, the way you let them leave fingerprints along your spine and messy imprints in your soul. Forgive yourself for nudging your heart open for more than mere memories.

It’s time to forgive yourself for letting them take so much of you.

It’s time to forgive yourself for letting them walk all over you so they wouldn’t walk away. Understand that you couldn’t have loved them any more, or less, or bent them into who they were not… and that’s ok. They are perfectly imperfect as they are. They were in your life for a season, for a reason.

It’s time to forgive yourself for hoping or thinking that the power of love would prevail over logic. It’s time to forgive yourself for trying, for wanting to believe that “I love you” meant “I’ll be there for you.”

Trust me when I say that there is love out there for you… a love that will treasure every inch of you. It won’t fumble with the depth of you, or take you for granted. There’s a love for you that will mold into every crooked crevice of you and fit like a glove.

Don’t settle for seconds or scaps. Don’t fall back into the arms of those who broke you. Don’t let your scars convince you that your heart holds no value.

Hold out for the love you know you deserve… love that breathes life into you, holds you tight, and makes your heart melt into so much more. It will come. ✨

I’ve been having a lot of conversations about racism.

It’s not something we talk about because it’s incredibly uncomfortable and for a black woman in tech who already feels marginalized it can be tough to say what’s on my mind. Yet in some sense, I can empathize with the executives I’ve spoken to who frequently acknowledge how difficult it is to have these conversations because they don’t want to mess up. So because we don’t know what to say, we say nothing.

As disruptive leaders who are intent on making big change happen, we have to be able to have these conversations. If we want to come together in a better place, we can’t be complacent. We have to tackle this head-on. So where do we start? Here are 4 steps:

1. Create a safe space to have a conversation.

Dedicate time, be present, and acknowledge the situation. Recognize that many of your colleagues are going through and thinking about this.  You could start by reinforcing one common, simple idea that we are here for each other. Acknowledge the pain, express your support for black employees, and show you are aware. You may not have specifics to address what’s going on with racism.  Creating space allows for solutions to come forth from your own organization.  In the very beginning, the purpose is to learn. Seek to understand where people are coming from, and create a space of respect and empathy.

2. Be very clear about what you’re trying to do.

From personal relationships to corporate conversations, it’s important to have clarity as you approach the conversation. In my conversations with people who are trying to figure out how to address racist attitudes, I’ve heard questions like: How do I have a conversation with my parents to let them know they’re saying things that make me feel really uncomfortable? How can I tell a co-worker that they come across as prejudiced? Remember, they may not even be aware of it. Some of these people may be talking about others in a stereotype in order to try and connect with you, but unjust, thoughtless or racist bias can create injury. Figure out a way to make it clear where you stand.

For companies, actions speak louder. People want authentic change and compelling action that shows specifically how you are actively being anti-racist.

3. Define rules of respectful dialogue.

Embrace the fact that you don’t know how to have these conversations and that it’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s helpful to have some rules in place, ahead of time. Have them written down or posted in the Zoom Room, for example. This would include things like:

• Assume good intention.
• Practice active listening.
• Ask questions in a productive constructive way.
• Don’t interrupt.

Figure out ways of using safe language when someone expresses an opinion you don’t necessarily agree with. When expressing thoughts, it’s very important that people use “I” statements such as I am feeling, my experiences, etc. Avoid “you” statements and projecting onto other people.

4. Enter the conversation with the best of intention.

All members in a dialogue must assume that there’ll be some sort of offense but it’s not intentional. As we get into these conversations we may say things that hurt or offend each other. Have a mutual commitment that, because of the relationship, we will work through it. The fact that there are many different opinions in our workplaces, families, and communities doesn’t mean that we can’t have these conversations. We should actively listen and be open to different perspectives so that we can learn from one another and become stronger together.

5. Have a way to start the conversation.

It’s great to have a conversation starter a question at the very beginning that encourages people to share from personal experience. It can be helpful to start the conversation with very simple questions to break the ice so that people get to know each other a little bit. These conversation starters are a way for people to ease into difficult dialogue. It will help them feel like they can express themselves. They will also be able to hear from other people and begin to listen to their lived experiences before you deepen the conversations. Conversation starters can be questions like:

• Talk about a moment when you felt gratitude over the past week
• Share a time when you felt a really strong sense of belonging

Once the dialogue has started you can ask questions that take on racism head-on.

For example:

• How often do you think about race or ethnic identity?
• Share a time when you’ve witnessed prejudice or experienced racism happening
• Have you ever witnessed someone being treated unfairly because of their race or their ethnic identity?
• Do you remember a time when you were uncomfortable because something was happening in the room?
• How did you feel when you saw that happening? What did you do?

Acknowledge the existence of white privilege in order to be effectively anti-racist.

“I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group” – Peggy McIntosh in White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

It’s important to explore questions like:

• How does white privilege enter into our daily lives?
• What does it mean to have bias built into our everyday routines?
• How can we be more aware of that bias and take meaningful action to minimize the impact?
• What is the role that we as individuals, or even as an organization have had in perpetuating some of the systems that reinforce racism?

Saying these things can be incredibly uncomfortable. However, not having these difficult conversations erodes relationships because when things are left unsaid, they’re left hanging in the air, murking the relationship. If handled the right way, hard conversations reinforce relationships. When you come from a place of understanding, learning and respect, difficult dialogue successfully cements that there’s a commitment to continue doing things together. This applies whether we are in the workplace, a family bound by blood, or people coming together as a community in the neighborhood and places like church. Remember what’s bringing you together.

Many leaders and executives acknowledge they don’t know how to say the right things. In fact, they say they are pretty sure they are going to say the wrong things.  If we frame the conversation in the context of other work that we do, day in, day out, such as performance reviews, budget negotiations, leading teams in an organization, etc. we’ll acknowledge that we have everything it to do what needs to be done in order to move forward.

Initiating the conversation is a step in the right direction. Acknowledging that injustice exists and needs to be fixed is crucial. We must dig deeper to make real change. The next (and most important!) step requires that we take meaningful action.

Both coronavirus and the pandemic of racism have shown how we are inextricably connected through our shared vulnerability. As the world watched the blatant murder of a black man in broad daylight, hearts stopped simultaneously.

After a difficult and painful year dealing with personal battles of racial injustice, my initial thought was here goes another horrific situation that no one will speak about – the politicians will pander, the BLM movement will clammer, and everyone will go back to their daily business as if nothing had happened.

Then suddenly something magical materialized. All around America people started to rise up. Outraged at the injustice, they stood united against this chronic disease of American society. The streets were packed, the signs were powerful and clear:  Black Lives Matter, Silence is violence, and If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention…

Slowly I felt life seep back into me. With the growing swell of people in every city in the nation and the world, I felt hope. Years of hurt started to melt away. And when I stumbled into protestors right here in my white suburban neighborhood of Sunnyvale, I broke into tears.

As a black woman living in that intersectionality in a workplace that’s predominantly white and male, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to raise my voice when I’m already feeling fairly marginalized. Often when I did speak out, I faced severe retaliation. After a while, I chose to flee the fight and focus on other areas that I felt I could impact.

I’ve found that my way back is to create a safe space to have genuine conversations. Some of my black friends are vehemently unable to engage in these dialogues because their pain runs deeper than mine. I recognize that my own experiences here as an immigrant, while immensely jarring and scaring, are mild compared to what my African American kin have been through – not just for decades but for centuries.

When we have these tough conversations we create resilience in ourselves and our organizations.

If we structure the conversations on race in the right way, we create connections that go beyond skin color, gender, sexuality, or religion to our shared humanity. In my conversations, it’s clear that for many, racism is not a lived experience. And yet at this moment, multitudes finally get what a part of what our communities are going through.

I found my voice in their outpouring love. And with all this, I found my heart again. I finally found I could engage in difficult conversations honestly, authentically, and compassionately.

If we can find it in our hearts to accept each other, even as we push each other to grow to infinite limits, we can unlock limitless possibilities for humanity.

If you are wondering how to forget someone who was once a beautiful part of your life, the answer is — you don’t.

You don’t try to sanitize your experience, go numb or cut out the pain.

You don’t downplay it. You don’t try to sweep it under the rug or hide it away.

Letting go of someone you thought would be in your life forever is difficult.

Sometimes, no matter how much love is there, you have to lay it down. You have to walk away. You have to accept that sometimes you get too big for it, or you want different things, or you cannot pour yourself out for it any longer.

And that is okay.

But if you managed to find someone who cared for you, who saw you, who heard all of the horrible things in your life that haunt you and still loved you — that is special. You shouldn’t forget that. You should be thankful.

Be thankful that you got to feel that way about someone.
Be thankful for the way they cracked your heart open.
Be thankful that they saw you in ways you didn’t always see yourself.
Be thankful that you took a leap towards connection instead of playing it cool.
Be thankful that you unhinged your ribcage, opened yourself up, and let your heart out.
Be thankful for all of the nights (and mornings!) you got to wrap your limbs with theirs.
Be thankful for the way they challenged you or calmed you.
Be thankful that you found this person, in a world of billions.
Be thankful that you got to dive into your soul with them.

Be thankful, and walk away with grace.

Walk away with gratitude. Walk away knowing that you felt something, that you experienced something, a lot of people haven’t, and in that way — you were changed.

Believe in the person you are becoming.

Love is not meant to be possessed. It is meant to be felt.

Be proud of yourself for feeling so deeply.

Appreciate that moment in time, even if it was fleeting, and let that love go.

Social distancing may be lonely, but you’re not alone.

Emotions are in upheaval for all of us, but this hard moment isn’t how you’ll feel forever.

You are a well of creative ingenuity and even if it doesn’t always feel like it, you were made for a time such as this. You are a warrior ❤ The answers are within you.

Breath deep. Calm down. And don’t be so hard on yourself.

You have what it takes to survive this.

Here are some self-care ideas to get you started:

• Start a journal – write 5 things you are grateful for every day.
• Fuel your body with a healthy, well-balanced diet and drink plenty of water.
• Try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night.
• Exercise every day.
• Meditate.
• Take deep breaths and stretch often.
• Take a walk outdoors – in your yard, on your street, or at the park.
• Avoid risky or destructive behaviors like excessive gambling, alcohol or drugs.
• Say “No” to unnecessary commitments and tasks that don’t fulfill you.
• Maintain your mental health.

Here are some self-care support resources that could come in handy:

• Affordable Counseling
• How to Survive a Breakup
• How to Create Healthy Boundaries
• Conflict Resolution: How to Resolve Disputes Constructively
• How to Recognize and Respond to Common Anxieties in Children
• General Mental Health Support Resources from the University of Michigan
• Podcast: Therapy for black girls – weekly chat about all things mental health, personal development, and tips to become the best possible versions of ourselves.

Many of us are dealing with more than we’ve ever had to handle. Mental health is so vital and yet often unheeded. If you are struggling to cope with everything coming at you, be kind to yourself.  Self-growth is tender. It may not always be fun, but it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment. Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward.

Take a self-care moment on this interactive site. Feeling anxious? Take deep breathes in sync with this youtube video or calm your mind with this meditation kit.

Stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, or lonely? Here’s guidance from Half of Us.

If you, a friend or loved one is at the end of the line, here are some crisis hotlines and local resources:

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to reach a Crisis Counselor
• The National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
• Ozone House – Local organization for teens and young adults: (734) 662-2222
• The Trevor Project offers text, talk or chat for all with an emphasis on LGBTQIA+ youth
• Aunt Bertha provides free or reduced-cost services like medical care, food, job training, etc.
• TheTribe, a free wellness support community https://support.therapytribe.com/
• Check out 211 for some local resources http://bit.ly/2sdoHk1

If you or someone you know is in danger, consider calling 911.

Stay safe, wear a mask, and see the good.

A Powerful Poem by Best Selling Author Robert Michael Fried

Some things hazy
Soon will be right

Some things hidden
will come into sight

Some things so wrong
will soon become clear

As we gallantly strive
towards a life without fear

Fortune 500 marketing strategist and best-selling author Robert Michael Fried has spent most of his career directing or repositioning marketing and sales strategies for blue-chip companies. He strikes a refreshing balance between making money and making meaning in his best seller, Igniting Your True Purpose and Passion: A Businesslike Guide to Fulfill Your Professional Goals and Personal Dreams.

The book is acclaimed by Guy Kawasaki, best-selling author and former chief evangelist of Apple, Cynthia Kersey, best-selling author of Unstoppable, and Marci Shimoff, best known for co-authoring 6 Chicken Soup For The Soul Books, and her prominent role in the documentary video The Secret.

Fried’s New York Times critically acclaimed book A Marketing Plan for Life soared to #1 on the Amazon Best Seller List in three categories: Success, Self-Help, and Personal Transformation.

My cũũcũ passed away today.

I’m told she died peacefully in her home and felt no pain.

My story began with my cũũcũ. Her story was one of will power, persistence and principle. She pushed herself beyond her point of endurance so her children would have hope, a future. She worked day and night on her farm so she had enough to provide for her children, enough to share, and enough to sell. She had her children out of bed working before dawn and made sure that was never a reason to cut out school. Late at night they all studied by the light of a kerosene lamp with their feet dipped in cold water to focus and ward off sleep. She instilled in them the value of service, sweats and smarts, discipline and delayed gratification and they in turn passed these values on to us.

As I spent time with her in her latter years, arthritis had stolen the spring in her step and age had mellowed the intensity in her eyes. It was hard to believe she was the same lady who tore through the fields with a hoe or a sickle, carried bales of Napier grass on her back and taught women in the village zero-grazing so they too could provide for their children.

Still, she carried herself with grace and the determination that rang in her voice spoke to her pioneering spirit. My grandmother was the first lady in her country to cycle to the dairy and drive to the market. She was the woman who saved her scarce pennies for a sewing machine so her children would not go naked. She is the only Kikuyu grandmother I know who can talk to her grandchildren intelligently about Martin Luther King and Caesar Chavez, revolutionaries who fought for freedom many miles from her East African village.

I hope that my life is a tribute to my grandmother, who showed me the love of life and the people along the way who have given me joy and a meaning to it all. I hope that my life says I had a generous attitude towards people. That I worked hard, loved much and learned from my mistakes, that I had a vision and lived with a mission and that my perpetual optimism was a force multiplier.

If we are fortunate, we are not stuck at home, we are safe at home.

During this crisis, I think about health workers, grocery store clerks, delivery drivers, transit and utility workers—and so many others—who are selflessly getting up every day to make sure we have the things we need.

During this pandemic we are reminded, that staying home is a privilege. Binge-watching Netflix is a privilege. Wondering what to do next is a privilege… An opportunity to create solutions, to hold faith over fear, to think about the future and create it.

As so many people step up to make sure I am safe, I’m grateful for the opportunity to ponder the past and the brilliant breakthroughs previous pandemics have inspired.

It’s our turn. What’s next?